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Nathalie P is back with on Exploring Mind and Body and this time she’s talking about Finding Your Life Purpose. If you missed the last show she was on check out show #148 Think Yourself Think.
Nathalie P is a life coach, author, speaker, Zumba instructor and so much more! She’s also a sponsor of the show which I couldn’t be more grateful for. For more details about Nathalie P visit DNA Life Coaching.com
*Thanks so much to Nathlie P for guest posting for us*
Nathalie P put together the detailed show transcript for us. Thanks so much Nathalie P!
TODAY WE ARE TALKING FINDING YOUR LIFE PURPOSE. HOW DO WE GO
ABOUT FINDING OUR LIFE PURPOSE?
There are 5 areas of a person’s self that lead to our life purpose: Imagine
a pyramid with 6 levels. I will start at the bottom of the pyramid with the
environment, go up to the behaviors, the skills, the beliefs and values, your
real identity and when you follow all that in the right order, that is when you
can find your life purpose at the very top of the pyramid.
Some people get stuck in each of these levels and it keeps them from moving
forward to the next level and that is what I do as a life coach. I help people
identify where the problem is and how to move on to the top of the pyramid.
WHERE DOES THIS PYRAMID COME FROM AND WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT IN
HELPING PEOPLE FINDING THEIR LIFE PURPOSE?
This pyramid was invented by Robert Diltz. He created these levels that we call
neurological levels in NLP (neuro-linguistic-programming). We work with this
pyramid in order to be able to identify layers and each level of a person’s self.
IT SOUNDS REALLY INTERESTING. LET’S TALK ABOUT IT SOME MORE. I GET
INTO THIS A LOT MYSELF WITH ENVIRONMENT AND HABITS AND IT IS QUITE
SIMILAR TO WHAT I BELIEVE MYSELF. SO LET’S GET INTO IT: HOW CAN WE
FIND OUR ENVIRONMENT AND FIND OUT IF WE HAVE AN ISSUE IN THIS
CATEGORY?
The environment is the base of the pyramid. Where we live, work, drive, and
exist. Our surroundings: the people we interacting with, the places where we
are, where we work, where we live. It is at the base of who we are but it is not
who we are. In the materialistic world we live in, a lot of people tend to identify
themselves by the size of house they live in, the type of car they drive, the
electronic devices they use or the brand of clothes they wear. But in fact, none
of that ”stuff” represents who we really are. It is just part of the environment.
SO THIS IS MORE LIKE THE PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT? WHAT IS SURROUNDING
US?
Exactly
HOW DO YOU FIND OUT IF THAT IS AN ISSUE IN SOMEONE’S LIFE?
As an example, I coached a client that was working in Saudi Arabia. We used
Skype. She had an environment problem. She wanted to move to a different
country and relocate her humanitarian work. At first, she thought that she
needed to go back to school and work on her skills so that she could get a
different kind of job, but when we turned into all the other layers of the
pyramid, we found out that everything was aligned but she was in the wrong
country, the wrong environment. Her values and beliefs were respected, she
was doing exactly the job she wanted. Her everyday life behaviors were great
and she felt like she could be herself. The problem was her environment. She
needed to do exactly the same thing, but in a different environment, a different
country. So she moved and it helped her move on to the next level.
WAS THAT A DIFFICULT THING TO DO? OR WAS IT A SMALL ADJUSTMENT?
DID IT IMPROVE HER QUALITY OF LIFE IN A SIGNIFICANT MANNER?
You got it, it was a small adjustment. The lower you are on the pyramid, the
easiest it is to fix.
LETS GET INTO BEHAVIORS. HOW IS THAT SIGNIFICANT IN OUR PYRAMID
HERE?
The behavior is what we do. Like a salesperson, a retiree, a hairstylist, a
teacher, a radio show host, a trainer…. That includes interactions with your
family, co-workers and friends. It is the actions that you do, like brushing your
teeth, driving, eating, exercising (or over-eating and lack of exercising). This
is the level where most diets and activity plans are directed in order to help
people to lose weight. You know how people start exercising and they start
eating well? But it’s just a behaviour. If there is a problem in your mindset,
which is higher on the pyramid, changing a behaviour is not going to work.
If you have a mindset or a belief that you are fat, then changing a behaviour is
not going to fix the problem. You have to change the mindsest.
IS A BEHAVIOUR LIKE A HABIT? A RITUAL?
Habit are usually located higher on the pyramid in beliefs and values.
Behaviours are just actions. Things that we do. That is why a lot of the diets
don’t work. People change their behaviour, they start eating better, they start
exercising, but it is not in their mindset to be doing that all the time, they think
it is temporary, and it is just an action that is happening right, but they don’t
see it as something that they will be doing for the rest of their life, they don’t
think that it is part of their identity, that it is part of who they are. Until they see
these new food items to be the ones that will be there for the rest of their life,
that they will no longer eat burgers and fries because they are healthy, that is
not part of a healthy person’s diet… when they start believing that at a much
higher level of the pyramid, that is when it will work for them.
I LIKE THAT. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I RUN INTO CLIENTS THAT LOSE A LOT OF
WEIGHT – ALTHOUGH I DON’T SPECIALIZE INTO WEIGHT LOSS AT ALL, I FOCUS
ON LIFESTYLE AND I BELIEVE THAT WEIGHT LOSS IS A BY-PRODUCT OF LIVING
A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE – BUT WHEN I HAVE A CLIENT THAT LOSES A BUNCH
OF WEIGHT, THEY DON’T STAY THERE BECAUSE THEY DON’T BELIEVE THAT
THEY ARE THAT NEW PERSON, THEY STILL BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE STILL THAT
PERSON THAT IS 20 OR 30 POUNDS HEAVIER, SO THEY STRUGGLE WITH THEIR
BELIEFS TO BE THAT PERSON THAT LIVES A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE.
I WANT TO GET INTO SKILLS. THE NEXT LEVEL OF THE PYRAMID.
The 3rd level is the Capability and skills. That is what we’re good at. Everybody
can brush their teeth, everybody drives, goes to work, these are just actions.
The next level are not only things that you do, but things that you do well.
Whether or not we have innate capabilities and/or learned skills for dealing
with stuff. We are not necessarily born with skills. We develop them as we age
with our life experiences. Some people tell me: ”oh, I am not good at this” and I
say: ” why can’t you become good at this? Who is making the call? Who decided
that you were not good at this?”
I have a funny example, I had a blackberry and I did not want to change it for an
iPhone because I liked my keyboard and one of my friend told me: ” Before your
blackberry, what were you using? Did you become good at your blackberry? So
then you can become good at your iPhone. You can get a new skill even if you
have to learn it. So skills are either innate or learned.
When we use our skills, we use our talent and do what we are good at, we more
likely feel in harmony with ourselves. When using our skills, we avoid that sense
of wasting our talent. You have all heard the saying: ”chose a job you love and
you will never have to work a day in your life”. In this context, it makes total
sense. When we are good a something, we more likely love doing it. And we
love doing more of it.
Our skills give us confidence and strength. You know some skills that you do
without effort? The things that people say about: “I don’t know how you do
it! There is no way I could do this.” That means that it is a skill. Everybody can
brush their teeth, which is a behaviour, but not everybody can remember the
words of all the songs they hear. That is a skill. Some people can sign, but some
people can sign well. They have a beautiful voice, they exercise it, practice and
get better.
IS IT RELATED TO THE BELIEFS AND VALUES? I GUESS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE
THAT YOU ARE GOOD AT A SKILL BEFORE MOVING ON TO THE NEXT LEVEL?
That is when you get closer and closer to the top of the pyramid. It is when your
beliefs and values are in line with a good environment, when you are good at
what you do and when you are not wasting your talent with a job that doesn’t
use your talent. I think that if we were to ask the audience to do a show of
hands for the people who are working at a job that is using their talent, not a
lot of people would raise their hand unfortunately. Most people see their job as
just a job and they don’t think that it’s important to do something that you’re
good at.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
There are two types of people. I see that a lot when people approach me
to become their life coach. Some are problems finders, some a problem
solvers. The first type can find something wrong everywhere and complain
about everything. You know the type of people who can brighten a room
just by leaving it? These are usually not seeking my services. They are simply
complaining all the time and they have no intention on fixing the problem. They
just want life to suck. You know? All they want is to tell the whole world why to
feel sorry for them. We ask them: ” Why don’t you change job if it is that bad?”
they go: ” well…. you know…..”
The 2nd type, the problem solvers are usually the ones coming to me. They
are usually the ones coming to me. They can recognize that they are stuck
with something, or want to talk things through with a coach who will make
them move on in life. When my clients bring me their list of things they want
to fix, the first exercise we do is to find out where the problem belongs in the
neurological levels. I use Robert Dilt’s model which help individuals align all of
the levels to reach a higher purpose and get what they want. But some people
have a very fixed mindset and they think that this is what it is and that it cannot
change. But the good news is that you can change to a growth mindset. If you
are listening to this and you think that you are one of these fixed minset people,
know that you can become good at anything that you want.
THAT IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT
THINK THAT LIFE IS A CERTAIN WAY AND THAT IS THE WAY WE HAVE TO LIVE.
BUT IT IS CERTAINLY NOT THE CASE. HOPE WE CAN SHINE SOME LIGHT ON
THAT TODAY.
WE WERE SAYING THAT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO BELIEVE IN OUR SKILLS IN
ORDER TO CONTINUE ON UP THE PYRAMID…
Whether you believe that you can be good at something or not, you are right
either way. If you think that you can’t do something, you are right. And if
you think that you can do something, you are right as well! Whether we
believe something is possible or impossible, whether we believe it is necessary
or unnecessary, whether or not we feel motivated about it. This level is
critical when I work with my clients. What they believe is true, in their own
representational systems, is forming who they are. The beliefs are at the base of
our habits (good or bad). They are mostly the focus in life coaching. We need to
change our beliefs in order to replace them by beliefs that will serve us better.
An easy example for this is when someone has a self-confidence problem and
to give themself some more prestig, they buy themself an expansive sports car.
The problem is in the belief level (self-confidence) and they are trying to fix it in
the environment level (sports car). I can’t work.
Here are some limiting beliefs that we can address in the context weight loss,
which is a very popular subject:
• Losing weight is hard. You can chose to believe that!
• Dieting is temporary.
• My family is overweight, it’s genetic! You can chose to belive that! I know a
lot of people who are skinny and their parents are fat!
• No matter what I do, I can’t lose weight. If you belive that, then of course
you won’t lose weight.
• I don’t have will power
• I cannot live without chocolate
• Eating well is a lot of work
• Exercising is hard and hurts
• I have a sweet tooth
• I love food too much!
If you believe any of this, then that’s what will happen. Remember, whether
you believe you can do it or not, you are right either way.
SO IT IS ABOUT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR BELIEFS, THE WORDS YOU USE
AND YOUR THOUGHTS ALL FORM WHO YOU ARE.
I IMAGINE THAT GOES RIGHT INTO IDENTITY. IF YOU BELIEF SOMETHING
ENOUGH, THAT IS WHAT YOU’RE GONNA BECOME. I BELIEVE THAT TO MY
CORE. IF YOU WANNA CHANGE, YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO THINK HARD
ABOUT SOMETHING DIFFERENT RIGHT?
The identity is who we are. Our self esteem, our sense of self, what we identify
with, etc. This can include identifying with our job, marriage, religion, etc. it can
also include how we interpret events in terms of our own self-worth. What we
think we deserve or not. Am I worth being paid that much money? Am I worth
receiving that 4th week of holiday?
Have you ever heard the expression: I AM a morning person. This is deep belief
engraved right at the identity level. vs I get up early. Which is a behaviour. I AM
a morning person is right up there at the identity level. Because the belief is so
strong, it is a part of who they are. You can hear people say: I am a radio show
host. That means that they believe that this is what they are. And then you
hear them say: I teach fitness classes. Then you can tell that for them, it is just
a behaviour, it is not part of who they are. We are not born to be morning or
evening people. We chose to be more effective in the morning or not because
we think so and we make the call. Saying the words: ”I AM” a morning person is
a symbol of a belief that is deeply engraved. It is much different than saying: ”I
work well in the morning or I get up early” which are Behavioural affirmation
and not identity related. By the way you can chose to be a morning person or
an evening person. I believe that I am both. Whenever I need to get up early, I
am a morning person, whenever I need to stay up late, I am an evening person.
Whatever is convenient for me. I chose to believe that I can easily switch
around, I can be whatever I want to be. I make the call. I am in my head right?
NO-ONE ELSE IS HEY? SO HELP US HERE, WHAT IF A PERSON HAS A THE BELIEF;
I AM OVERWEIGHT. A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY: I AM LAZY.
When we believe to be a person with big bones or wide strong built or we say
to ourselves: “I am a size 16”, or “In my case, it is genetic, all my family is fat
and have always been for generations” or “I am East Indian and the sauces and
the food is part of our culture, it is who I am” or “I am a foodie and I love food”
(identity level), buying an elliptical machine (environment level) or starting an
exercise program (behaviour level) is not enough to fix the problem. Because
they say: I am a foodie. I am East Indian and this is part of our culture to use
thick sauces and eat that type of food.
I actually asked my client in Calgary: ” Do you think you will be less East-Indian
if you eat less of that food? And after a few session she responded: I am now
more than ever, I am still true to my roots and now I am a gorgeous East-Indian
and I am self-confident because I have lost some weight.
It doesn’t mean that you won’t be who you are anymore. But people are afraid
to lose their identity. That is why change is much harder when you get closer to
your identity because people are afraid of changing who they are.
IS IT HOW YOU FIND YOUR LIFE PURPOSE THEN? WHEN YOU GET TO THE TOP
OF THE PYRAMID?
When all the layers of the pyramid are aligned and that we live in a wanted
environment, that we love, that we are doing what we are good at and
following our beliefs and values is when we can really feel like we are being who
we are and we are living our real life purpose. The life purpose is the reason
why we were put on this earth.
Here is one last example: I was coaching a businessman client who wanted to
advance his career. One of his fundamental values was is family. One of his
complaints about work is that he has to work late. And he’s annoyed that he
misses out on seeing his kids. He also holds achievement as a fundamental
value. So both of these values have to be dealt with. He is a businessperson and
he is a father. A happy person is a person who does what their highest purpose
in life is and uses their skills following their beliefs and values. It’s important
to understand where you are at and how to tweak your life to work with each
of these things together. We realized that his family was more important to
him than his career. So unconsciously, he was ‘sabotaging’ his possibilities of
advancing in the company because he knew (again unconsciously) that it would
mean seeing less of his kids. We then figured how to consciously satisfy his
achievement desires while remaining on track with his family values.
WHAT CAN YOU SUGGEST IF PEOPLE WANT SOME HELP FINDING OUT THEIR
LIFE PURPOSE? WHAT THEY WANT TO BE? WHERE THEY WANT TO GO? CAN
YOU GIVE US SOME TIPS?
The best way of doing that is to go through the pyramid and identify what are
your skills, what are your beliefs, what are you good at? Go through a full list for
each levels and make sure that you are using all your skill and believe in what
you do.
A good way of finding your beliefs is to go about it on the reverse way. Some
people would say: ”I don’t know what my values and beliefs are”. I ask them
the question: ” What turns you off? What makes you mad? When this happens,
you get so upset, and that is because someone just touched one of you highest
values. If someone arrives late and you are upset about it, that means that
being on time is a good value for you. Ask yourself, what ticks you off and the
opposite of that is one of your main values.
THIS WOULD BE DIFFICULT TO GO THROUGH ON YOUR OWN. HOPEFULLY
THIS SHOW HELPED BUT IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT FINDING YOUR LIFE
PURPOSE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEEK SOME HELP TO GET COACHED ON THE
STEPS AND NATHALIE IS DEFINITIVELY SOMEONE THAT CAN HELP YOU WITH
THAT.
Thanks so much to Nathalie P for coming on the show and providing valuable information for us. If you are interested in some coaching with Nathalie P visit DNA Life Coaching.com